I spent tonight sitting the parking lot of a Starbucks – crying. It’s been a long, hard year. I’ve been hurt by people I trusted, been through too many life-altering transitions to count, and I’ve been running. Yes, I’ve closed my eyes, shut my ears, and I’ve been running.
It was a slow transition – I started walking, then pacing faster, and eventually I was sprinting away from the One that could help me overcome the very things I was most afraid of.
It wasn’t that I was “sinning” – lusting, cheating, lying, or stealing – it was that I was ignoring Him, which perhaps is even worse. Every day, I’d pull my weary self out of bed, only to wander through my obligations, leaning on my own strength to get through. All the while, though, I was hearing Him calling, and I was feeling myself grow weaker.
One of the few things I found myself praying for was a child. About six months ago, Craig and I decided we were ready to start trying for a baby. Month after month, I experienced disappointment. I was plagued by the fear that something was wrong – that perhaps this was my punishment for running away for so long.
And then…in a single moment, our lives changed. I was pregnant.
(If you’re one of the few who care to have read this far, we’ve probably already shared the news with you – if you haven’t known yet, you get to find out a few days early, as we’re publicly announcing later this week!)
As I sit writing this, I have a baby growing in my womb. My hormones are raging, I’ve been sick as a dog, I’ve been emotionally drained – but I’ve been thankful. While I nurture this child within me, God has taken me into His arms and is nurturing my weary soul.
Though I have been running away for so long, God continues to bless me beyond measure. He has shown me his love and grace in the midst of my darkness. And now, He has blessed me with this little miracle, all in spite of myself.
To quote the timeless Chris Tomlin, “You’ve seen the depths of my heart, but you love me the same.” He won’t ever stop chasing or pursuing – and for THIS, I am thankful.
“We are invited to repent and return to the arms of a God who pursues us at our worst, rescues us from our darkness, and rejoices over us as His beloved child.” // Amanda Bible Williams